What We Inherit as Women

The Quiet Ways We Learn Who We Are

I put a thin layer of Vaseline on my son’s face before he headed out the door for pictures with Santa at daycare right before Christmas. We’d found a nice sweater and khaki pants for him to wear; they asked us to send them in their “Sunday best” because they were taking pictures.

It wasn’t something I had to think about. My hands just moved the way my mother’s always did—making sure my face was moisturized and bright before school pictures (or any day for that matter). Later that same week, as I prepared collard greens for our Christmas meal, I realized I was mentally walking through each step exactly how I’d watched her do it year after year. No recipe. Just memory.

That’s how inheritance works. It’s not always loud. Sometimes it lives in our hands, our habits, our instincts.

Years earlier, while studying history at Georgia Southern, I had the opportunity to interview Dorothy Pitman-Hughes and Gloria Steinem. At the time, I didn’t fully grasp how deeply those conversations would shape the work I do today. It wasn’t just their impact—it was their familiarity.

Dorothy Pitman-Hughes traveling with her daughter while continuing her advocacy for women and children, adjusting her method but never abandoning her mission. Gloria Steinem’s bold decision to immerse herself in what Black women could teach her about feminism, resilience, and strength—and the audacity she developed to speak out because of it.

Their stories reminded me of my grandmother, who practically raised six children by herself, and my mother, who worked twelve days straight before a single day off. What I began to understand is this: leadership in women isn’t new. It’s generational.

What We Inherited That Hurts Us

Some of what we’ve inherited helped us survive—but now quietly exhausts us.

Over-functioning and running on fumes. Giving to everyone else first, leaving ourselves empty, then wondering why we’re burned out.

Shrinking to maintain peace. Calling it “choosing our battles,” when really we’ve learned to stay quiet to keep the peace.

Guilt around rest. Feeling like rest must be earned—or worse, that resting is irresponsible when there’s family or work to tend to.

Doing everything alone. Becoming the default, the organizer, the manager of logistics, carrying the belief that the success of the home or family rests solely on us as women.

These patterns didn’t come from nowhere. They came from necessity. But survival habits don’t always translate into sustainable leadership.

What We Inherited That Helps Us

Not everything passed down weighs us down or is a burden. Some of it is power; power that we can use throughout any season of our lives.

Resilience. We know how to survive dark seasons, which makes us believe nothing is too hard. We’ve inherited the ability to bounce back from moments meant to destroy us. This strength can carry us—or exhaust us—depending on how we use it.

Resourcefulness. We make a way out of no way. We figure it out. We problem-solve instinctively and creatively, often without support.

Community-building. We create family wherever we are. This is usually out of necessity (sometimes with no other choice) and because the other people we build a family with are seeking that very same support. The saying “it takes a village” is still true.

These traits are gifts—but they require intention to keep them from becoming burdens.

Lessons Learned: Understand “Why” You Are

We don’t have to do things only because tradition says so or because “it’s the only way you know”.

We can take what works, leave what doesn’t, and adapt our heritage to the season we’re in.

Understanding where habits came from is the first step toward change. It’s likely that there’s a deep tradition of the things you still do in the present.

Reflection and meditation aren’t luxuries—they’re tools for clarity and growth.

We are part of a lineage of grace and innovation. Women’s leadership has always existed, even when it went unnamed or unrecognized. Knowing this gives us freedom—freedom to lead with choice, clarity, and self-advocacy.

Becoming a Leader of Intention, Not Only Inheritance

1. Identify the Habit You Inherited

Name the habit and trace it back—to your mother, aunties and play aunties, and/or grandmothers.

Ask yourself:

• What was this habit protecting them from?

• Was it about survival or structure?

• Does it serve my current lifestyle?

This shifts you from guilt to awareness—and from awareness to choice.

2: Decide What You’re Keeping and What You’re Releasing

Write two lists:

• What I’m keeping (resilience, resourcefulness, innovation)

• What I’m releasing (over-functioning, shrinking, guilt around rest)

This helps you build your leadership identity on purpose, not by default, or how you were told you should be.

3: Practice Weekly Reflection

Once a week, reflect:

• What does success look like for me right now?

• Did I “survive” this week and fall back into any inherited practices that I want to let go?

• Did I honor the intentional leadership structure that I envision for myself?

This keeps your leadership goals visible and aligned with the life you’re building.

Why Does Any of This Matter?

The women before us showed us how to endure. We get to decide how to evolve. Leadership doesn’t require carrying everything the same way it always has—it requires awareness, intention, and choice.

If this reflection stirred something in you and you’re ready to explore how your inherited habits are shaping your leadership today, I invite you to schedule a 15-minute discovery call.

Complete the contact form with the subject line Discovery Call, and let’s talk about how you can lead—and live—with clarity and intention.I’m ready when you are.

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